#17 – Yes, that would be my ass.

As you gather a few years under your mortal belt, hopefully, you will begin to become more and more knowledgable about which of life events are worthy of being labeled “DEVASTATING”. Of course, when you are going through such calamities, these events inevitably feel overwhelming and quite permanent. But trust me, they usually are not.

So, cool your tits.

Yes, these things totally SUCK ASS, and I also, would rather not have to experience any of them as well, but such is life.

So, stand back and gain some fucking perspective. These moments are no more than mere blemishes on the ass that is your life. There are more serious issues than life zits….like hemorrhoids, herpes and/or warts!

Your healing is essentially up to you.

So, stop fucking picking.

And, just so you know, your ass will also grow, along with your perspective.

So, grow the fuck up, pull up those stretch pants, own that big zitty ass and just get on with it.



#18 – Oh relax, you won’t fucking melt.

I actually had a boyfriend who called female farts “dropping roses.” In the end, I just called him an asshole. In any case, I don’t know what drug his nose was on, but any fart I have and will drop most likely smells like something died in my ass.

No matter who you are dating, the older you get, farting and pooping become less of a traumatic event.

Except for men. For some reason, males tend to think that a female’s digested food is released from our anuses in small, fragrantly wrapped gift boxes, adorned with bows and bright colors. The irony here, is that many men would love to shove their penises up this small exit hole where their lady friend’s shit resides and yet they cannot even think about the idea of a woman taking a dump. Wha?

So let me be clear, because I don’t know about your asshole, but mine does not have corners or a prostate. My personal orifice is not built to accommodate the passage of a pointy box, bow or not. It can however pass:

  • pebble poops
  • long tube poops
  • big banana poops
  • long wet farts
  • gentle silent farts
  • powerful rancid farts

So men be warned, when you act offended by my natural processes….
– I will fart more often and in a closer proximate to you, just to bug the shit out of you…..Pun intended.
– I will leave the door open more while taking a dump, just to get a good laugh at your expense.
– I will talk more about events that occur in and around my ass, regularly, just to make you feel uncomfortable.

Yes, I am that ornery. Anyways, I am 42 years old and if I can’t let one rip without you changing your perception of me as a person then save us both some time and just go fuck yourself?……


Yes, Really.


#25 – Wiping your own ass.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but growing up, my Pops had a tendency to share the most random tidbits of information and advice.

  • Don’t play with the squirrels, raccoons or possums you will get rabies.
  • In the Summertime, don’t play in the rows of high corn. You could suffocate.
  • Make sure you rotate the crops, so the ground has a chance to grow something else.
  • Yeah, I have a mouse that lives in my truck….he needs a house too and besides he doesn’t eat much.

Dad was my rock, so if he said so, that was the way I rolled.

  • So, I didn’t play with the squirrels or any raccoons. = I did not get rabies.
  • I did not play in the corn rows in the hot summer days. = I did not die.
  • I watched the farmer rotate the crops, beans one year, corn the next. = I learned to respect the earth.
  • I never saw that mouse. = I learned to co-exist with bugs and rodents.

But isn’t it amazing, what parents, in all their attempts, can’t protect us from. The quiet experiences, no one expects and only as an adult you can truly understand. So as an adult, I embrace those silly attempts that my Dad made to help out and to protect me, for in their own ways, they hold directions for some important life lessons. He tried.

Because in the end, hopefully children grow up and realize that parents are flawed human beings.

  • Parents are not super heroes.
  • Parents do not have all the answers.
  • Parents can not protect us from everything.
  • Parents make tons of mistakes.

So perhaps, the true test for becoming an adult is when you finally understand that all your shit, is now, truly yours….

Because sure Mom and Dad fucked you up, but honey, that was years ago! The rest of life’s shit is on you now……Enjoy it!