I Spy

I spy –  the silhouette of a boy fishing at the end of a long pier as the sun sets far behind him.

I spy –  a chipmunk dodging through shadows running from one bush to hide under another.

I spy – a happy curly haired dog napping on my lap giving me the gentle embrace of his kind acceptance.

I spy – two girls riding jet skis across glass-like lake as their youthful laughter skips across the water.

I spy – two dragonflies playing tag, flying up, down and all around, back and forward, under and on.

I spy – my life, at this very moment, is just as it should be.

So, I smile.

My Empathic Loop.

Energetically, I don’t deal with change well. Good or bad, it throws me for a bit of an empathic loop. I am highly sensitive to the energies surrounding me. I can walk into a full room of people, and FEEL, IN MY BODY their energetic vibrations, both good and bad. It’s a curse and a blessing.

  • If you are tense, I can discern it. It’s like pushing tacks into my stomach.
  • If you are unkind or toxic, I can detect your unsettling vibrations. It’s like eating tar and it cools in my chest.
  • If you are sad, I can sense a weight on my shoulders. It’s like carrying around a 10yo on my back.
  • If you have been abused, I can feel your emotional pain. It’s like having a 5lb weight on my chest.
  • If you are happy, I can absorb your glow. Your energy is like tasting sweet vanilla cream.
  • If you are calm, I can take on a more relaxed stance because you are offering yours. Your energy feels me like warm honey.

Once I came to terms with this “Seventh” sense, I began to educate myself and practice ways with which to protect, embrace and understand, what I would eventually see as, my gift.

The key for me, was learning how to decipher which energies are actually mine and which energies are being projected onto my spirit. With practice, I am proud to say, I can now, quickly determine that which isn’t mine. Sometimes, my tears aren’t about what I am feeling personally, but are actually a manifestation of what is being projected by a person who is sorrowful or lonely.

This seventh sense can be draining, but I am ok with that too. I have learned to allow myself a little more time to recover from life hiccups, season adaptations, schedule modifications and the unexpected amendments that inevitably occur in every day life. Some take me more time, others I am over it in a heartbeat. But for me, it’s all progress.

My most profound ways of recouping my energy is rest. Being a serious napper, I invest 2-5 hours in order to recover. I don’t judge it and even though I realize the world may view my needs as lazy, I know what I need. If I don’t identify the existence of energies, allow them to flow and release it, I am hindered in moving forward in my own truth. And afterall, isn’t that what life is all about? 🙂

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…and yet, here I go!

It has appeared and I have said YES!…..to Game Rangers International – Zambia Elephant Orphanage Rescue and Release Project – Africa from November 2-26, 2015. (In the next few weeks, I will be posting different videos about the research and tasks I will be performing while working/volunteering!)

I need your help….$5, $20, $50, $500 – It all goes to the project, so I can work!! To learn more and make a donation –
Click here https://www.volunteerforever.com/volunteer_pr…/valerie-downs

The Orphans Daily Walk

  

There is no where to get.

Sometimes, I just need someone to state the obvious, so, I can get out of my own damn way. Your words changed my life and my perspective of self.
Thank you friend.

“The miracle that comes from knowing, believing and trusting is all coming…there is nowhere to get. There is nothing to achieve, it is in the expression, especially as an artist, the world follows…you much go first.”

– Randolph Duke, Los Angeles 2013

I must go first.

In an effort to clear my energy; I followed my instincts and decided weeks ago to skip all of the usual family holiday traditions/pressures this year. 

Selfish – maybe. 
Necessary – yes.

By stepping back and releasing all of the foggy, heavy, pressure-filled baggage, I am beginning to see things/people/situations much clearer. By allowing myself a place of peace, contentment and appreciation, I am not lingering on anger, past hurts or disappointment, I am actually remembering the joy of the season.

I can feel my energy changing, my perspective shifting. I feel much more gentle. My hurt has subsided, my fear is quieting and I truly feel that maybe, just maybe, relationships can be reformed through a softer heart. I am feeling my meditative place, very much like my creative expression, carrying over into my daily consciousness….this is a blessing and a gift. I am hoping to continue to heal, forgive and rebuild in peace. Not to forget, but to forgive and maybe even let go.

So, I begin 2013, understanding the worth of my creativity. I reflect to you a conversation with my new friend that has opened my eyes to myself and my place in the world around me. 

“The miracle that comes from knowing, believing and trusting it is all coming…there is nowhere to get. There is nothing to achieve, it is in the expression, especially as an artist, the world follows…you much go first.” -Randolph Duke

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An Ode to My Hair.

Oh Dear hair,

Such strands, that fall

You encircle my toes,

You clog my drains, get in my socks and end up in my cat’s poop.

Red strings that I find caught in my bra strap.

You get into my food, ruining my meals

And when I find you in my butt crack,

I feel intimately violated.

Mind the hole…

Dissociation is defined as “mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional reality.”

I refer to it as my “turtle shell.”

As long as I remember which hole to use when coming back out, I don’t see a problem.

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Flo can suck it.

I have been crying for the last two hours. Shamelessly crying.

I have no energy to stop, and yet I barely have enough energy to continue. I have showered in the warmest water my skin can bare, as this will sometimes soothe my wounds when I am in this state, all to no avail trying to recover from wounds that I have no proof of. Scars that tend to fester and boil when they are least convenient. 

But it is like clockwork….

Perhaps it was seeing the excitement in my parents eyes when they spoke about my older sister’s huge new country home in the mountains, and how amazing it is, because you know, her 70 year old fiance “just loves and adores her” 46 year old ass so much he had to get it for her. “She’s really made it you know. He is really going to take care of her.”

Awesome. And fuck you both.

Or perhaps, my current melancholy could be a direct result from the lack of a pro-active response when I’ve tried to inform my parents regarding a serious and hurtful infraction on the part of a sister-in-law. Because family boundaries have been crossed, apologies are required the seriousness was obvious. I was quick to be reminded that no matter how manipulative or hurtful someone is to me, their daughter, this type of situation really isn’t their business and they aren’t going to get involved. She is family afterall.

Ok so awesome and a big fuck you to me!

And then, there is the general reaction to my obtaining a very important, new well-paying client. Because remember I still can’t fully pay all my own bills and I am generally broke. It will be exciting when your business starts making more money.

And scene.

Did I mention yet that I am having my period? First day.
Of which, if you know anything about a female period, it basically means that anything you encounter today will set you immediately over the edge, but on a normal day could perhaps be put off for about two months before the issue actually surface into emotion……So, due to my calculation, I am hoping, that the next two months will be a fucking emotional breeze. 

My 1200 lbs. Angel

I owned a horse once.
I was about 26 years old when I bought a horse.

I had been riding for most of my life and had hit the first of many life’s cross roads. My grand life plan was not working. The Universe had decided that the path I was on, wasn’t in fact my path. It had decided to kick me in the ass, as it forced me to realize that everything was not as it should be. My wind had been taken from me, my momentum had stalled, my breathe non-existent and before me was a path that I didn’t recognize.

I was a mess and I felt the Universe had injured me.

I didn’t trust anything.
So, I started to revert back to things that were familiar to me. I started to ride horses again, absorbing their essences, feeling their life forces, and, without realizing it, I had begun to help myself find my road less traveled.

Broker had been abused too. He physically, where my abuse was lifelong emotional neglect. It literally took him almost six months before he would allow me to touch his nose. He was perfect. Just the project I needed. So, I was patient, after all, I was injured too and valued his non-judgement of all my self-perceived issues. I had developed a precise skill of shutting out any human being I felt was a risk, so his hesitance with me was something I could relate to. I didn’t like people either.

Many nights, I would cry into his shoulder, my tears absorbed by his 17 hand shoulder. I think he got used to me crying, because before long, he bagan a pattern of hugging me back, stretching his head around my body resting his chin on my shoulder. Giving me the hug I so desperately needed. The protection I couldn’t find.

I bought him for about $1200.

But let’s be real. Relationships with horses are not all beautiful moments of breeches, hugs, green fields and apples. There are fights, disagreements, protests, confusion, problems, injuries, financial difficulties and poop, lots of poop. You get bitten, pushed, kicked and thrown. Then you get up. You try again. You learn.

Just like life.

Bubba passed away about ten years ago. My soul misses him and yet I live because of him. I am a functioning human being because of him, My Bubba, my angel. Thank you.

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