#18 – Oh relax, you won’t fucking melt.

I actually had a boyfriend who called female farts “dropping roses.” In the end, I just called him an asshole. In any case, I don’t know what drug his nose was on, but any fart I have and will drop most likely smells like something died in my ass.

No matter who you are dating, the older you get, farting and pooping become less of a traumatic event.

Except for men. For some reason, males tend to think that a female’s digested food is released from our anuses in small, fragrantly wrapped gift boxes, adorned with bows and bright colors. The irony here, is that many men would love to shove their penises up this small exit hole where their lady friend’s shit resides and yet they cannot even think about the idea of a woman taking a dump. Wha?

So let me be clear, because I don’t know about your asshole, but mine does not have corners or a prostate. My personal orifice is not built to accommodate the passage of a pointy box, bow or not. It can however pass:

  • pebble poops
  • long tube poops
  • big banana poops
  • long wet farts
  • gentle silent farts
  • powerful rancid farts

So men be warned, when you act offended by my natural processes….
– I will fart more often and in a closer proximate to you, just to bug the shit out of you…..Pun intended.
– I will leave the door open more while taking a dump, just to get a good laugh at your expense.
– I will talk more about events that occur in and around my ass, regularly, just to make you feel uncomfortable.

Yes, I am that ornery. Anyways, I am 42 years old and if I can’t let one rip without you changing your perception of me as a person then save us both some time and just go fuck yourself?……

Really?

Yes, Really.

funny-captions-farts

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