#21 – You can just leave.

I was an elementary school teacher for almost 10 years. It is a miracle I lasted as long as I did….because let me tell you, most of the people in that profession have a vagina. Many, many, just too many vaginas…..and I don’t do well with too many vaginas. Personally, I think there should be vagina limits. You know, like elevators….do not exceed 10 vaginas. Or perhaps a balancing system, that for every one vagina there needs to be a leveling penis. It is about equilibrium people.

Now you may be thinking, but wait, you, in fact, have a vagina. So why are you saying these things? Let me explain.

  • I am a tom boy at heart.
  • I do not deal well with bullshit and/or caddy behavior.
  • I am irritatingly honest.
  • I am creative and always have ten other things that occupy my time outside of the job that actually pays my bills.
  • I enjoy and cherish quirky, artistic, roadless traveled people.
  • And I don’t require marriage and/or giving birth as a means for establishing my own self worth and/or purpose.

So on the chance that you thinking that I am being a little bitchy here, I humbly require that you to do at least one of the following and then revisit:

  • Attend any wedding single….no date, just you. Hell on Earth.
  • Attend a child’s athletic event. Pretend to be single and/or divorced then try to integrate.
  • Attend lunch in any teacher’s lounge in the entire United States.
  • Attend a function with a group of sorority sisters….No, scratch that, just shoot yourself now.
  • Attend a dinner with a group of married sorority sisters = pull out eyeballs with dinner fork.
  • Go to any bridal and/or baby shower, but you cannot present yourself to be engaged or married.

…..And people wonder why I have so many gay, male friends…gurl please! It is all about balance!!

It's all about balance.

It’s all about balance.

#22 – For fucks sake, it’s not Narnia.

I am sorry, but if you have not mastered your own bean by the time you turn 40, you should be banned from sex…..PERIOD. Or you should be required to partake in some serious psychological therapy because you are missing out on one of THE biggest gifts that comes with your human body. In my eyes, the whole point of becoming an adult is to have the ability to achieve my orgasm – ANYWAY I like! Because if you don’t know how to get yourself off by now, aka be your own vagina expert, NO ONE WILL!!!!!! So masterbate, rub your shit, finger yourself, poke, stroke, grab a mirror and explore that miraculous opening down there….RELAX!…..it’s just your vagina.

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#23 – Cleaning

I never realized the level of dirty I was living in until I had to see my condo through the eyes of someone else. In preparation for an out-of-town visitor, and upon closer inspection, I am in clear understanding that all my area rug’s sole purposes are to serve as toilet paper for my two domesticated assholes.

So, heads up….if ever get to come over to my condo, and feel like taking a nap on the floor, that rug your relaxing on has seen a lot of action from my feline’s orifices.

Purposes including and are not limited to:

  • Anal gland skid scratcher.
  • Undigested food vomit catcher.
  • Bile absorber.

And since I am the adult in my domain, I seriously could give two shits. Afterall, no one has paid my ass an allowance for completion of tasks since I was in the 8th grade.

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